My story
I grew up Christian family and going to church has always been a part of my life. I became a Christian aged 8, after a Sunday evening service that said you had to choose where you had eternal life. Everyone knew I was a Christian at school; I led the CU and some of my school friends came to church and youth events with me.
Me and my relationship with God took a big hit when I was 16 and was sexually assaulted by a guy I knew through church and youth events. I’ve now learnt about trauma and how it changes you and your world, and it did for me. A traumatic event is an encounter with violence that threatens to destroy you, that shatters your sense of self and your place in the world. It’s a form of death, in that things are never the same again afterwards (see the work of Shelly Rambo and Serene Jones, living on Easter Saturday). It left me alone, afraid and bewildered. My world wasn’t the safe place I thought it was, so now what do I do?
Back then there was a big emphasis on ‘not being unequally yoked with unbelievers’, only dating Christian guys, but when Christian guys behave like this, then what? Surely God can’t be trusted when it comes to men. Unfortunately, I met a couple of other Christian guys in the following years that reinforced this view. Getting involved with Christian guys seemed too dangerous for me and my relationship with God, but I wasn’t very good at being on my own either.
I was at sixth form. I didn’t do very well in my A ‘levels and got a job after sixth form. I knew that God wanted me to be a nurse, but I wasn’t keen. Eventually I did start my nurse training, after initially ignoring an invitation to interview. Training to be a nurse is tough, shifts and studies on a limited budget. During my nurse training I did go to church and had some good Christian friends, but I was had unhealthy relationships with food alcohol and men. As far as God was concerned, I think I thought ‘I’m doing my nurse training, what more do you want?’ I now know I was missing the point and making life harder for myself, but at the time I was just trying to get through it.
I did consider dropping out of my nurse training several times, and one time I was back in my hometown and went to a missionary evening with my mum. At that event, my mum introduced me to a midwife who had been on duty when I was born. She gave me a bible verse that her nurse tutor had given her when she considering dropping out of her nurse training, John 15: 16, ‘You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit – fruit that will last’. So I did complete my nurse training and John 15: 1-17 was the reading we had at our wedding, 10 years later and over 20 years ago.
After finishing my nurse training, I went back to university to do a psychology degree. I accidentally became a rower, and God used rowing to enable me to get healthy again. I loved being on the water, the exercise, the structure that the training provided and a sense of belonging. I joined the CU, went to church, made some really good Christian friends and got baptised at the end of my first year. I do remember though, a sense a sadness at CU one evening, being at the back, seeing the younger students down the front, worshipping happily and freely, and thinking I used to be like that.
I also found that all the rowers I meet were good people, and this included the Christian male rowers I met, so that was a step in the right direction too.
After I graduated, I worked as a nurse in adolescent mental health and then in the school nursing service. I have had a great career in nursing, despite my initial reluctance, because God does know what he’s doing! Then 9/11 hit and I turned 29. I now know that trauma can be collective as well as individual. I quit my job, sold my house and bought a round-the-world ticket. I had a great time. Last week the talk at church was about creation, and it reminded me of when I was in China, looking at some waterfalls. I was lingering at some waterfalls, getting left behind, and my friends calling me to catch up with them. I was reluctant to leave the view of the waterfalls, but when I went round the corner, I had a wow moment. There was a huge, beautiful waterfall, way more impressive waterfall than the ones I’d been looking at, and I heard God say, ‘keep going I’ve got more for you.’
In Australia it became apparent to me that the incident that happened when I was 16 was still unresolved and when I arrived home in the UK I went to the police, aged 30. It took a while and was a difficult process, but the finally got to court and he was found guilty.
The following year I got married to a wonderful Christian man I met at church and my nursing career progressed with me becoming a lecturer. I enjoyed life as a wife and mother. I had time-out from lecturing when I had my son and trained to be a Parish Nurse and a Parish Nurse Educator. I returned to lecturing, and through the staff prayer meeting at the university, I became involved with Beam nearly 5 years ago, initially as a trustee and then a volunteer. Beam is a Christian charity that provides support and facilitates peer support for mothers who have had their children removed by the legal system. As a volunteer I trained to become a Kintsugi Hope group leader and led the follow-up weekly on-going support group, Carry-on Beaming online. Then came my Esther 4:14 moment, for such a time as this, that brought my personal and professional experiences together, along with Genesis 50:20 and 2 Corinthians 1:4.
As a member of staff at the university, I undertook a small research study on with Beam mums on the impact of domestic abuse on child protection proceedings. Following this, I started a PhD on the support needs of birth mothers whose children have been removed by the legal system. Getting to know the mums and hearing their stories, I have been horrified at the abuse they have suffered and how they have been treated. I have developed a deep compassion for them and can relate to their stories. I had to stop working as a volunteer to do my research. For the first year of my PhD I was a part-time lecturer and part-time student, but a year ago I resigned as a lecturer to become a full-time student, to be able to concentrate full-time on my research. I’m very grateful for the opportunity to do this. My work isn’t just my research, it’s my mission.
To allow the mums to convey their stories in their own words, I have edited their interview transcripts into poems. My supervisor challenged me to write a poem about myself, which I did. I attended the ‘Feminist Radical Hope’ conference at the University of Liverpool in November, co-hosted by the Violence Against Woman Research Network, to present a poster of my research. After spending two days hearing about research on domestic abuse and sexual violence against women, I wrote a series of poems reflecting on my own experiences, what I had learnt about trauma and feminist trauma theology, and what I’d heard at the conference.
After sharing some of my poems with a small number of women at church, work and Beam, and while preparing to be interviewed on Premier Christian Radio, I have set up ‘Compassion for women’ as a way of sharing some of what I have learnt on my journey, encouraging others to keep going on their journey, and hopefully providing some insights for those who don’t have these experiences to help support those who do.
Reflecting on my journey after learning about trauma and feminist trauma theology has given me new level of understanding and acceptance of my journey. At Spring Harvest last year, the theme was ‘No greater story’ and I remember one of the speakers saying that as Christians our stories are part of God’s story, and while none of us get the story we want we all get the Jesus we need.
The sense of sadness has gone now. I’m back down the front, joyfully worshipping a God who loves me and saved me, and has been with me throughout my journey.